The COUGH COUGH Song
by Candy House
Summary: Naruto tries to get all the guys together for some male bonding...Conversation evolves...And you can read the rest to find out!Includes: Everything from BOOBS, to GAY MEN, and FRUIT ANAOLOGIES. Comedy, Humor, and some Yaoi...
1. Chapter 1

"I'm BORED" sighed Naruto as he sat back on the grass.

The early afternoon sky was a clear pale blue; only visible through the spaces between the white fluffy clouds.

"Well then why did you drag us here dobe?" asked the monotone voice sitting next to him.

"Geez Sasuke, you always act like there's a stick up your ass…"

The Uchiha didn't say anything.

"What a drag…." another low voice sounded his boredom from the other side of Naruto.

It had been Naruto's idea to "hold a bonding activity" this afternoon, but so far, only Shikamaru and Sasuke had shown up…well, forced actually; Naruto bullied Sasuke into it and Shikamaru happened to find them at his favorite "cloud-watching" spot only a few minutes before.

"You guys are just being lame!!" Naruto opened his eyes and pointed to the sky... "Hey, that cloud looks like a clover! A four-leaf clover!!" Only Shikamaru acknowledged him and shifted his head to look at the sky, Sasuke kept his eyes closed.

The boys fell silent again and Naruto sighed, nearly giving up on living up on the lazy hobo and the guy with a stick up his ass.

"...Why do girls go through so much trouble with their hair?" said Skikamaru, still observing the clover-shaped cloud…

"Where did that come from?" Sasuke asked.

"Yeah, Shika that's so random! Who cares about girls and their hair!?" Naruto said, absent-mindedly.

"Jeez, I was just thinking about that sand-girl Temari's hair; it's like a four-leaf clover." Shika said, rolling his eyes, "…girls always out so much trouble into their hair…"

"I bet you think she's hot." Naruto remarked.

"What?!" Shika blurted out, Sasuke almost laughed at his reaction.

"Oooh! Shikamaru likes Temari! Hey, isn't she like a year older than you?"

"I don't know..."

"I don't know…" mocked Sasuke.

"OH!!" Naruto yelled, and he turned to Sasuke, "Sasuke, Shika likes the sand-girl cause she's OLDER, and her BOOBS are bigger than all the girls here!" Sasuke coughed in reaction to Naruto's unexpected perverseness.

"What!? Naruto..! I DON'T like her cause of her..." Shikamaru hesitated; "HEY I don't like her, got it!?!"

"Whats wrong Shikamaru!? Are you afraid to say you like her chest?"

"Naruto-!"

"Its okay Shikamaru we're GUYS we're supposed to talk about that stuff! Just stand up and yell it for all to hear!!!"

Just then Kiba and Akamaru were approaching the group of boys with Shino following behind them, "Hey, guys! Whats up Naru-"

"BOOOOOOBS!"

Kiba stopped dead in his tracks. _WHAT THE HELL?? _Shino stopped beside him, and they both stood just a few feet from the group wondering what the fuck was going on…

"See? It's not that bad!" yelled Naruto at the top of his lungs.

"Would you please shut it before I kick your ass?" asked Sasuke, a little fazed by Naruto's recent abnormal (-er) behavior…

"Seriously, just drop-" started Shikamaru, but Naruto spotted Kiba and Shino staring at him in disgust.

"HEY!" he called "Come over here! We were just having a manly discussion!"

Sauske coughed. Shikamaru closed his eyes and pretended to ignore the blond. Shino approached cautiously, while Kiba commented, "So uh, the female anatomy…? Is that topic here?"

"No shit dog boy. We don't yell out 'Boobs' when discussing the male body do we?" remarked Sasuke.

Kiba refused to answer.

"I like em' big." said Shino in his quiet voice. Too bad everyone heard him…

All eyes were on Shino now, all trying to comprehend the _extreme_ creepiness of the comment. But Naruto seemed to transition quicker than the others.

"That's what I want to HEAR! Come on guys! Shika admits he likes the sand girl with the GINORMOUS chest…"

"OH _THAT_ BITCH?" yelled Kiba.

"SHUT UP!" responded Shikamaru.

"Okay, jeez..." Kiba replied; chuckling at Shikamaru's totally convincing beet-red face.

"Ah, man you guys are so LAME!" Naruto said, he made his way over to Shino and elbowed him, "Guess it's just you and me, eh Shino?"

"Drop it, Naruto, you're not getting ANYTHING outta him." Kiba said harshly as him and Akamaru settled down on the grass with the other youth.

"Feh, lame…" Naruto mumbled and plopped down right were he was, Shino preferred to stand.

More calm silence greeted the now bigger group. The boys just sat there enjoying their rest and the clouds, nobody said anything except Kiba when he said a cloud looked like a cat and Akamaru replied with his usual "Arrf!"

Naruto wasn't content though; he was bored shitless. _Jeez I finally come up with something fun to talk about and these guys can't even say the word…hmmm..._

"coughboobscough"

"…" All the guys glared at Naruto, except Shika who only opened one eye and Sasuke who was being so ignorant he could have been asleep.

"What?! I must have a…cough!" Naruto said to them, grinning ear to ear.

The boys simply rolled their eyes and sighed, going back to their previous not-doing-anything. Naruto got up and walked over next to Sasuke, bending over him. Sasuke's face winced, he could tell he was there but he still refused to open his eyes.

"coughBOOBScough" Naruto said into Sasuke's face, Sasuke didn't respond to this.

_So you're REALLY trying to ignore me, eh Sasuke?? _Naruto pouted, _Lemme try something else..._

"coughsasukeissexierthanboobscough"

Sasuke's eyes shot open and he suddenly let out another abrupt COUGH, his face gaining color.

"Ah, Sasuke, you got it!!" Naruto said happily, patting Sasuke roughly on the head.

"What the HELL are you doing, Naruto!?" Shikamaru asked, Kiba and Akamaru were laughing their ass off (Akamaru is approving with "arf"-like sounds).

"It's the Cough-Cough song!!" Naruto cheered, Shika's eyes widened. _What the... Naruto's acting stupider than ever!"_

"Lets say things we can't say outloooud!!" Naruto started singing, "the Cough-Cough song!!"

"Are you on _drugs_, man?!" Kiba said

"coughSEXcough!!!!"

"You're so immature…" Shika said, smacking his palm to his face.

"coughSEXYBOOBScough!"

"coughSHUTTHEHELLUPcough" yelled Shika.

"cough-Sakurasnotthatbad-cough" replied Kiba, finally giving into the entertainment.

"cough-Ino'sarebigger-cough" sang Shino.

"cough-Ididn'tknowyouwerestaright-cough" said Sasuke.

"cough-I'msratighterthanyouare-cough" Shino fired back.

"cough-Yourgaydarmustbebroken-cough" Shino fired back

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS???"

Neji and Rock Lee had just appeared—at one of the worst moments too.

"Why are we all talking in such a weird way?" questioned Lee.

"We're having a very YOTHFUL discussion Lee! You should join!" said Naruto, with a foxy grin on his face.

"Well if that's the case, I couldn't possibly pass up such a wonderful discussion!" he said.

"Ok, Lee, Neji, just listen to the conversation and you'll get our secret code…"said Naruto

"coughcough-frontal parts" he started. "Coughcough-chest parts"

"Oh, uh…"Lee was so excited he jumped right in "coughcough…hi…?"

"NO! Not that way! Just listen!" commanded Naruto. "cough-blueturnsmeon-cough"

Sasuke's eyes widened. "Dobe…"he managed to get out.

"cough-revengekillingissupersexy-cough"

"COUGH-whathappenedtotheboobsconversation-COUGH" hollered Kiba

"cough-IddoSakura-cough" Neji caught on…

"cough-HEYdon'ttalkaboutinnocentSakura-chanthatway..-cough" defended Lee, finally getting the hang of it…

"cough-Ino'sprobabllymoreexperienced-cough" replied Shino

"cough-itstoobadthey'retoostupidoversasuGAY-cough" Naruto interupted

"cough-illadmitthesandgirlsboobsarehot-cough" admitted Shinkamaru.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!" Sasuke started yelling at Naruto.

"..cough-ohyeahiforgotaboutthesandgirlshe'shot-cough" Neji continued, completely ignoring Sasuke.

"cough-toobadshe'sshika'slittleCLOVER-cough" Kiba said laughing

"cough-shutthefuckup-cough" Shika said, his face turning red.

"cough-youbettergoforit-cough" Shino encouraged.

"cough-NEJIshouldn'twegetbacktotraining-cough?!!??" Lee interrupted, not liking the way this "man talk" was going.

Naruto started a tune.

"Frontal parts, chest parts, bottom parts, curvy parts…" he sang.

"Girl's parts, guy's parts" Kiba joined in.

"Cupcakes and fruits baskets…" Shika started singing analogies.

"Walnuts and bananas…" Shino continued.

"Did someone just mention food?" Chouji interrupted.

He sat down with the group, setting his plastic shopping bag full of food down next to him. Reaching into it, he pulled out a box of cocoa-puffs and started munching on his dry cereal.

"Got any milk for that?" smirked Sasuke

Everyone chuckled.

"Sorry Sasuke, I don't like eggplants…especially blue ones." He replied.

Now EVERYONE was laughing his ass off.

"Oh you got OWNED!" Kiba shouted.

"At least I get some more than your fat ass does!" Sasuke retorted.

Naruto looked up at this.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY??" he nearly screamed.

Sasuke looked surprised, his smirk replaced with one of slight confusion, and then reverted back to his nonchalant expression.

"It means exactly what you think it means" he said.

"WHAT? WITH WHO??" Naruto was on the verge of going crazy.

"Why would you care about who he does it with?" Neji asked.

"What? Oh, I mean…." Naruto thought for a second, trying to not sound too embarrassed. "I uh, just wanted to make sure it was not Sakura-chan…" he answered, trying desperately to cover up his obvious concern.

"Hey! What are you doing with Sakura?" Lee questioned. Now he had something to talk about…

"It doesn't matter! I wouldn't ever do her even if someone paid me!" Sasuke interrupted.

"Well then, who is it?" Shino asked. "Or rather, who are THEY?" he offered, poking at Sasuke's infamous popularity with any female; and perhaps a few males as well…

Sasuke coughed again, turning away from the group to hide his growing blush.

"Yeah, that pretty much means he's still a virgin like the rest of us. Shikamaru answered "Now on to another topic…preferably one that involves melons…"

Silence. And then…

"Why do you think they bleed?" Chouji asked, a little bluntly.

"Why do they bleed when?" said Neji. "Are you referring to…"

"Yes genius. He's talking about when we fu-" Kiba almost finished his statement.

"Oh! Are you talking about THE POWERS OF YOUTH???" Lee interrupted.

"Yeah." Sasuke smirked, coming back to his senses. "See Lee, when a guy and a girl have so much YOUTH built up in their bodies, they need to let it out."

"And the first time a girl unleashes her youthfulness, she BLEEDS!" Naruto finished.

"Hmmm? Blood?" a quiet voice sounded from above them.

Everyone looked up to see Gaara and Kankuro hovering above them in the trees.

"Oh God. Not these people…" Kiba started to complain as Akamaru whined in fear.

"Did you invite them?" Shino asked.

"HELL YEAH I did!" Nruto responded, grinning ear to ear. "Don't you wanna know what other kids from different villages do about this kind of stuff?"

"What kind of stuff?" Gaara asked in his sultry voice. "Do you mean the ways of the kill?"

Now everyone backed away from the sand nin, whose eyes had been glazed over in some kind of freaky possession.

"Well, uh…Its none of your business!" he answered.

"Yeah, right I bet he hasn't even lost his virginity yet!" Kiba replied.

"Is it true?" Naruto asked, looking directly at Sasuke, eyes WIDE open.

"Huh? Well…" he started.

"Yeah that means no." Shikamaru interrupted. "Moving on to another topic, preferably one with melons involved…"

"No Gaara, they're talking about sex." Kankuro said.

"Oh." Was all his brother had to say, snapping out of his momentary relapse of bloodlust. Nevertheless, he sat down, while Kankuro dived into the subject.

"So," he asked, grinning devilishly, "how do you boys like it?"

No one said anything. Kankuro sighed.

"How do you fantasize it to be?" he asked finally.

"Doggy-style" Kiba barked.

"Whipped cream and cherries…" replied Chouji.

"Slow, and not rushed." Shikamaru yawned.

"Wonderfully romantic!" Lee inputted.

"I like to know exactly how to plan things out..." Neji drifted off…

"Bloody…" Gaara whispered; images racing through his little red head at a billion thoughts per second.

"It should be beautiful." Shino remarked. "Like the wings of a butterfly…"

"AWWW!" Kiba and Kankuro mocked "That statement right there DEFINES what sex should really be!" Kankuro did an exaggerated sigh while giving the goo-goo eyes to Shino.

"Well, I'd like it to be energetic and FAST!" Naruto said. "I wanna be in control!" he stated.

"And what make you think that the person under you is gonna let you have your way with them?" Sasuke remarked.

"Oh come on!" Naruto pointed at himself, "who would NOT like to be under THIS hot thing?"

"Hn." Sasuke thought to himself before saying softly, "I wouldn't let you take me that easily."

Both Naruto and Sasuke locked eyes for a minute, until Naruto said. "I'd like to see you try…"

Sasuke smirked, with a glint in his eye. "I'd like to see you try and take on this-"

"WOULD THE TWO NON-STRAIGHT GUYS PLEASE GO FLIRT SOMEWHERE ELSE? THOSE OF US WHO ARE NOT GETTING ANY ARE HIGH OFF OF TESTOSTERONE AND WOULD LIKE TO CONTINUE OUR HORNY DISCUSSION!"

That shut them up.


	2. Chapter 2

Sawks: yeah it's been hella long but WE'RE BACK BABY!! Hope you enjoy it ;)

**The Cough Cough Song: Part 2**

It was silent for a long time.

Until finally Kankuro said "So Sasuke, your gay huh?"

"I am not gay." He replied, unusually calm and composed.

"Oh really?" said Kankuro "Well, then I bet that when you masturbate, all you can think of is Naruto…sweet, sweaty, NARUTO!"

"HEY. Stay out of this you weird CAT-FREAK!" yelled Sasuke.

Kankuro chuckled.

"They say that the average male teen maturates two to three times a day…" inputted Neji

"Really? Wow. I'm below the average!" said an astounded Kiba.

"I'm….above…." replied Shino softly.

Naruto butted in, "Well I'm RIGHT ON TARGET!" The usual glares greeted Naruto's obnoxiousness…"BULLS EYE!"

"Psh." Kankuro said, "You guys shouldn't wear yourselves out like that. Its after a few days of holding off..."

All the guys turned their attention towards the older, more experienced boy,

"…That it really feels the best!"

Shikamaru snorted, and if anyone could see past Shino's glasses they could see his eyes widen.

"…hold off?" Lee asked curiously,

"That's impossible." Neji added

"Meh, I guess that's what hobbies are for, ne?" Shikamaru said lightly.

"Yeah. Like hunting." Gaara added.

"And building crap." Kiba said.

"And painting your face like a drag queen…" Sasuke said.

"HEY don't you even START with me Sasuke! Everyone knows you queers are the most perverted." Kankuro said harshly.

"Psssst. You wanna know about queers?" Whispered a voice in Kankuro's ear.

Kankuro turned around to come face to face with Kakashi.

"I bet I can enlighten the lot of you on that subject…" he smiled.

Kankuro slowly backed away from the now-creepy sensei, his jaw nearly touching the floor from shock. "Wha.. buh…"

"Kankuro of the desert!" Kakashi said, not whispering at all, "So you're gay, eh? Ha we've always knew you and our resident dog-boy had somethin' going on!"

(Hey is Kashi thinking like a fangirl or what? XD)

Kakashi started laughing, Kankuro and Kiba nearly fell on their faces, and the rest of the boys (except Gaara of course) put on their "WTF" faces.

"I'm NOT gay!-" Kankuro screamed,

"Neither am _I_" Kiba interrupted.

"I was talking about Sasuke!"

"OH so Sasuke finally came out, huh?" Kakashi started saying.

"WHAT? Shut the hell up! I'M NOT GAY."

"I don't understand..." A quiet voice said amidst all the yelling, it was Gaara's.

"Ah, Sasuke's just in denial and Kakashi-sensei is being weird…" Naruto told him.

"No... I don't understand being homosexual."

Somehow everybody was able to hear this, and all eyes turned towards Gaara.

"Gaara!" Kankuro yelled in shock, embarrassed by his brother."Seriously?!"

"Its' when a guy likes another guy!" Kiba tried to explain, "Their all fruity and up on each other…"

"I understand that." Gaara said simply.

"Then what don't you understand, eh?" Kashi said, walking up to the sand nin.

"I don't understand how… two men can express their feelings for each other..." Gaara said innocently, putting on a delightfully angelic face.

"Ah…" Kakashi was grinning ear to ear beneath his face mask. "You don't understand the mechanics of gay sex. Is that right?"

Gaara nodded, continuing to look genuinely confused by the subject at hand.

"Huh…yea Kakashi-sensei how does that work out? Does one dude have to be the girl?"

The other boys listened intently.

"Well, how do I explain this without it being rated XXX?" Kakashi wondered for a minute. "I guess I have no choice but to call…"

"There you are Kakashi!" said Iruka as he appeared out of nowhere.

"Iruka! I was just about to ask you to come over and help me teach a very essential lesson to these strapping young men here." Exclaimed Kakashi excitedly.

"Ok then." Iruka agreed "What technique are we demonstrating today?"

"Well, we'll give a demonstration later on; right now I wanted to talk about disguises…" Kakashi hinted at slyly.

"Disguises? Are you talking about ninjutsu?" Iruka asked, unaware of Kakashi's devious plans.

"Disguses, changing one's appearance, dressing up…dressing down…" Kakashi continued slowly "More like costumes, if you will…"

Iruka's eyes widened.

The rest of the boys were lost in all this weird-ass sensei madness.

"Costumes?" Naruto asked.

"Yes, costumes, like, you know…princesses, maids, schoolgirls…" Kakashi winked.

"What exactly are you talking about, Naruto-kun?" Iruka questioned

"Nurses, bunnies, geishas…" Kakashi continued

"Gaara was wondering how gays _do_ it!!" Naruto explained.

"WHAT?" Iruka said, his face flushing.

"Lolitas, Lifeguards, cowgirls…" the list continued.

"Yeah and Kakashi-sensei said he would explain it!!"

"…and don't forget the male roles like cow_boy_, teacher (hehheh), knight...with a sword"

"Kakashi! Stop it! You'll just confuse them, they don't need to be learning about…that stuff."

"Its fine, scarface. We all know he's talking about sex role-play… didn't know you two were into _kink_!" Kankuro said, laughing.

Iruka's face turned darker yet again and he began fumbling with his speech, "Kakashi," he began, trying to sound professional, "It's obvious these Suna nin aren't here to learn about.."

"Your guys' sex life?" Sasuke interrupted.

"SEX in general, wait, no not our sex life WE HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!!!" He screamed.

"Men express their feelings by wearing costumes?" Gaara asked, and Shikamaru hit his face with his palm thinking "This is waaay to troublesome."

"Why exactly are you two here anyway?" Iruka said to the two sand ninja, calming down a little.

"Oh we just wanted to cause some trouble when we spotted this huge-ass group of leaf nins, but we stumbled upon this extremely entertaining conversation instead." Kankuro replied. "It tuned out to be a real party flowing with tons of testosterone! Or in the case of _Sasuke_, estrogen…"

"I AM SICK OF ALL THIS FUCKING CRAP!" Sasuke screamed "YOU WANNA GO AT MR. PUSSY?

"Sasuke…"said a voice behind him "You need to calm down."

"Asuma-sensei!" said Shikamaru and Chouji "What are you doing here…with ALCOHOL??"

Asuma held up the large brown paper bag he was holding. "Oh this, this is to calm down Sasuke before he starts something juvenile."

"Any for me?" Asked Naruto, Kiba, Kankuro, Chouji, and Shino.

"Sensei what about setting a good…ah whatever" Shikamaru gave up, slightly excited about the presence of booze.

Gaara gazed at the tinted bottles being passed around.

"And THIS bottle," Asuma said handing a drink to Gaara "is for the special sand nin who adores blood." He said chucking.

Taking the bottle of red wine carefully, Gaara uncorked it and sniffed.

"This is cheap quality." He said bluntly.

"Well, well, looks like our little demon is a connoisseur of wine!" exclaimed Kakashi.

"Nah, he's just attracted to red things." Kankuro muttered before taking a swing of brandy.

"I'll toast to that!" said Iruka, properly drunk, raising his glass.

"To all things red!" exclaimed Kakashi.

"Huzzah!" everyone cheered.

"To Perverted conversations!" said Naruto

"To GAYS!" Kankuro said, elbowing Sasuke, who would have retaliated if the booze hadn't worked the way Asuma planned. Soon he started wobbling towards Naruto and Kiba, who were exchanging jokes being the loud drunks they were. Kakashi Sat on the ground with his arm draped around Iruka's shoulders and chatted drunken nonsense with Asuma. Chouji eventually poured his booze into his box of cereal and at it with a spoon he just happened to bring; Shikamaru watched clouds beside him and nursed his second bottle. Neji and Lee decided to play it safe and not drink any, but they still didn't leave the group. They we too captivated by the hilarious mini-fight between Shino's drunken bugs and Gaara's drunken sand.

"Yeah hic" Sasuke said, pointing dramatically at Naruto, "FUCKING GAAAY!!!" Sasuke tripped over his own feet and fell into an unexpected and passionately intoxicated kiss with none other than Naruto.

"Yoooooou gaaayah tarrrrd" Naruto slured before kissing back.

"Woooaaaah! Haha they weren't joookin!" Chouji said slowly

"… Are you ready to leave, Neji-kun?" asked a slightly disgusted Lee, turning to Neji.

"God yes." he replied, and they were outta there in a second.

"Should we stop them?" Kiba asked.

"Nah…too much trouble." Shika said, taking another swig, "that cloud looks just like Naruto and Sasuke making out…"

"Fucking A, queers get it hella fast…" Kankuro said.

"AHAHA! See, Gaara!!" Kakashi said loudly, "Just give em' a room and a lot more booze, THATS how two men express their feelings!!"

.FIN.

Candy: and here our perverted adventure comes to and end! XD ah twas fun!


End file.
